3 things no one tells you about relationships
/You get to ‘hold space’ for each other
They are MEANT to show up your issues!
We judge them by all the wrong measures
Holding Space
I will never forget the first time I dated someone who ‘held space’ for me. He didn’t even know what he was doing but did it intuitively, and it was one of the most healing experiences I had ever had. Holding space is such an amazing thing to do for someone and it builds up a deep trust very quickly when you know your partner can hold you in this way.
Some of you will be familiar with this term but it basically means holding a container of time for your partner to express themselves. You take turns speaking and listening and often it helps to time it, so you both get the same amount and you know when it’s finished. The listeners job is to witness. When I work with clients we practice this- it’s so powerful.
They are MEANT to show up your issues!
When we feel safe, our psyches often decide it’s a good time to resolve that thing we’ve been subconsciously ruminating over since we were 5. They’re like, I feel amazing, this must be a good time to sort out some internal stuff. But it can feel like a shock, when we meet someone and everything is going swimmingly, and then BOOM! Something they do, or we do, seems like it is creates a massive overreaction, and we struggle to understand why the emotions around it are so intense. This is why. When we understand this - we realise it’s not a terrible sign this was never meant to be - it’s some emotional wounding from the past asking to be understood and supported. It’s an incredible opportunity for deep healing and deeper intimacy and passion. But sometimes we need a little support to really get that.
We judge them by the wrong measures!
There are 2 TERRIBLE myths that people believe about relationships. One means we tend to stay in bad relationships for too long and the other means we leave perfectly good relationships.
Finding ‘the one’. Ugh. I hate this one. It’s pervasive, but it’s impact is often the minute things get tough people start thinking, ‘maybe this isn’t “the one” after all. They do on dates and the sparks aren’t crazy and they’re like, nope, not the one. I have worked with men in their late 40s who have never had a relationship for longer than a year because none of the women turned out to be ‘the one’. Enough already.
Until death do us part. When the measure of a relationship is how long it lasts, you gotta admit this is a bit crazy. So the couple who had a wonderful 2 years together and wouldn’t swap it for anything but ended up being on different paths are a failure while the couple that quickly went downhill, stopped having sex and fought bitterly for the next 5 decades are held up and celebrated as pillars of society. It comes from a time when economically, it was a damaging for marriages to fail. So let’s leave it in the Victorian, or whatever age it dates back to, from now.
It breaks my heart to speak with so people still hurting from relationships that ended 10 years ago. Relationships in struggle. People who believe they can’t ‘do’ relationships, or will lose something they need if they get into one.
You don’t have to have one to be happy. Your life could look all sorts of ways to be happy. But for most of us, when it comes down to it we do want someone.
I hope this is helpful. I would love to hear your questions or thoughts if you feel called to share!