A Decade Wiser (hopefully!)
/Even if the decade doesn’t officially start this year, it has been a big decade for me and I thought I’d spend a little time reflecting on this and what I’d like to take away from it all and reflect on the biggest lessons I’ve learned.
I’m going to share them below, in just a few points. This isn’t everything I’ve learned, but some highlights and some of the most important lessons.
Got married, divorced and did couples therapy in between
Moved interstate
Changed jobs and side jobs more than I care to count given I spent 7 years (7 years!) at the Queensland University of Technology)
Travelled to Mexico, the USA, Singapore, London, Germany, Belgium, France, Italy, Bali, Vietnam, Czech Republic, Lombok, Greece, Thailand, Austria
Studied and certified to coach on Sex, Love and Relationships
Taught hundreds of hours of yoga and meditation classes
Led 15 Way of the Happy Woman weekend retreats.
These are some of the things I have learned in the last decade.
Things never go the way you think they will, but that’s not a bad thing
One thing I’ve learned - we get what we expect and focus on, but it generally doesn’t happen the way we think it will.
For example, I knew I wanted to quit my 9-5 and work for myself, but I never would have imagined that would be through intimacy coaching!
I also wouldn’t have imagined that after 2 years missing having team-mates, I would be offered a role leading a research collaboration trying to solve some of the problems I’d been struggling with in my business.
I realised that what I really desired was to create a home and community - but didn’t expect to win a ballot to buy an apartment in the same building as my brother and his wife.
So many of us, myself included, meet our partners when we least expect it.
It’s about being open to possibilities, acting in congruence with them, and keeping our desires alive in our hearts no matter how crazy it seems at the time.
People are there for us more than we realise
I have felt alone most of my life. I had no idea when I needed somewhere to stay when my marriage hit the rocks how many people would be willing to take me in and literally take care of me. If there is one gift that that period taught me it was how easy it is to underestimate the kindness and care factor of others. I literally moved house every 2 weeks for 6 months. It was intense and exhausting.
The shelter, wisdom, hugs, cups of tea and shoulders to cry on still make me want to cry with gratitude today. Never assume people don’t care or understand. Which leads me to the next point.
Relationships are more important than we realise, and we need to nurture them more than we realise
Most of us are simply not taught healthy relating. We think if there’s no conflict it’s as good as it gets. We struggle to like ourselves, struggle to ask for what we want, to say no when we want to, to feel like it’s ok to be ourselves or to change our minds. It’s not easy, our culture actively conditions us in all sorts of ways to make this hard. It does require effort. But it’s not effort you will ever regret.
This is what I have devoted my business to now.
It’s ok to make mistakes. I/you/we will fuck up royally sometimes. It’s what we do after that matters.
Taking responsibility is key. Nuff said for that one.
Self trust and self compassion are the hardest things for most people
One of my favourite moments with clients is when they realise they can trust themselves and their bodies. So many of us think because we had a certain result in the past, that’s what we will get again. Yes, if you find yourself in similar situations over and over you do have to notice the common factor is you!
But if you’re talking to a coach, chances are you’ve already created some massive shifts in even taking that step. Once we develop awareness and willingness to do the work, we don’t have to be afraid of getting stuck again. We can heal from anything.
It’s a lifetime of practice getting comfortable with change and discomfort
In case this makes it sound like I have it all figured out - I still struggle with change, even good change - and as they say, the one thing we can be sure of is that things will change. Nothing is permanent.
It can be hard on our systems but the thing to know is this is normal and we can support ourselves through it when we know how. For me, that looks like grounding meditation, self compassion and dropping perfectionism.
As we go into 2020, I have no idea how things will unfold. But I’m excited to see. How about you?