Seducing Success and Letting Go of Guilt

It’s been a fun week! My fast fix facts for this week are:

• Join me and Anthony from the Be Yourself and Love It podcast having far too much fun chatting about what is sexual empowerment and why should we want it - catch that here

• I was part of the super cool Seductress Speakeasy Series - watch or listen to my awesome friend Robin Hilton Bowen and me talking about our favourite ways for women to use pleasure as fuel for success, as well as me embarrass myself doing a breast massage demo.

• Work with one of the world's top 5% of coaches in the field of love, sex and relationships for student rates! Yes, I mean me.

I’ve been putting it off but now that I am coaching full time I am raising my rates to bring them more in line with industry standards. I do a free session for everyone who want to see if this is for them (obligation free). If you book a free session over the next 2 weeks and decide you want to go ahead you can work with me for the old rate. Book your session here. I work with singles and couples for weekly or fortnightly sessions. 

Stop Blaming Yourself

I grew up feeling guilty. While I wasn’t raised Catholic, I like to think I can punch above my weight when it comes to generalised guilt.

When my relationship wasn’t going so well, I blamed myself. When my partner cheated, I put it down to me being too immature, not interesting enough, too demanding. Not exciting in bed. Just wrong. When my marriage ended the weight of failure and shame was almost more than I could bare.

But the more I work with people on sex, love and relationship stuff the more I see how many of us are walking around with this terrible weight of responsibility. It can totally freeze over our personal lives when we feel like we’re inevitably going to hurt someone else or get hurt.

• ‘I should have been different, I could have saved us.’

• ‘I shouldn’t have even been in that relationship’

• ‘I shouldn’t have hurt him/her...’

Can you relate? What past or current guilt and shame are you carrying around?

But we all make mistakes. None of us emerge into the world knowing how to be perfect in life at anything, let alone things involving other people.

In my case, I realised I wasn't going to stop being human anytime soon. So I decided my manifesto would be:

'I will get things wrong, I will screw up, I will hurt people. But I will learn and I will make better decisions as I go.
My mistakes will be the architects for the woman I become.'

When I learned it was possible to work on my own issues so that I could set myself free everything changed! - for myself but also so I could be in relationships with other people where I wasn’t playing games or relying on my partner for my self esteem or identity anymore. My life, and relationships, are 100% better in every way.

So I have only one top tip for you today - forgive yourself! You’re doing the best you can.

If you want to learn how to go deeper with this, get in touch. I would love to help you.

Lots of love

Ruth

The most delicious Valentine’s Day play for singles or couples

I have always been an affection junkie. I would frankly do a lot for a cuddle!

But there have been plenty of times in my life when the affection I crave wasn’t available.

Modern society doesn’t lend itself towards us living in a connected, loving way of being.

We get too busy, we get too tired, we don’t always have someone around who wants to be affectionate whether we are coupled or single.

When I did a year and a half of long distance relationship it felt like a part of me had died or gone dormant deep inside. I felt shut down and stressed out. We all make jokes about the cranky person at work who comes in cheerful one day ‘must have got laid’ and I was painfully aware I was becoming that person.

Have you ever experienced anything like this? For me this has happened periodically in my life. When I was back with my partner sometimes it was even worse! If we went for too long without having any intimacy I would start to feel deeply rejected and resentful. Things could get super charged and tense and we could almost get gridlocked in an affection stand-off.

It got so bad I wondered if we were even right for each other, or if we were going to grow old living with twin beds having not even held hands for decades...

The game changer for me was learning I could give myself the love and connection. That I could create all the same chemical responses in my body and make myself feel amazing. It took tall the pressure off needing someone else to give me this and when that happened - I attracted a lot more of it!

The energy we bring is the the energy we attract. This is why when we’re in a relationship, or even a job, it can feel like we’re attracting other people or opportunities so much more easily and then we’re single and it’s like a vast tunderland of disinterest.... Anyway...

When I learned I could give myself love and connection everything changed! You can give yourself love and connection. This is deep healing for your body, heart and soul.

Here are 3 ways you can do it (alone or with a partner)

• Bliss practice - sending love and compliments to your body and imagining you are filling up every part and every cell with love or a positive feeling of your choice (joy, peace, vitality, radiance). You can smile at each part of your body, no matter how positive or challenging your relationship with it, and send it some love. You can do this naked in front of the mirror for extra points, or do it in bed or in the bath. You can do it with a partner and you might be surprised to hear what they love!

• Sensual practice - go for slow massage (yes you can totally self massage, even if you just do your feet or hands - google it). Take at least 20 mins and make it really slow and delicious.

• Ecstatic practice- slow turning on - yourself or taking turns with someone else. The rules are - no electrical toys and no climaxing for at least 20 mins. You can use your jade egg, orgasmic massage, or a blend of sensual and sexual. If you’re with a partner you can take turns giving each other 20 mins of whatever touch they would like to feel. So good!

The important this is to go slow. If you go too fast you’ll miss out on the deliciously yummy chemicals your brain releases in response to love - the oxytocin, dopamine, all that good stuff that gives you the glow and feeling of love in your body.

When I started doing this, here’s what happened

• I stopped being needy

• I became more magnetic to others

• My health improved

• I felt genuine love and appreciation for my body

• My self esteem and confidence sky rocketed

I believe this is essential self care for every human! If you can give yourself this once a week you will be amazed how your life with change in subtle but wonderful ways.

Lots of love,

Ruth